My Fearful Symmetry Page 9

  I breathed a sigh of relief. At last, someone in this dreadful place with a sense of humor. If I had to go to shag school, I’d rather have a teacher like Marco than Avijit.

  “The rest are a rather grim lot,” I said. “Thought I’d never have a laugh again. How long have you been here?”

  “Fifty-four years. It’s not so bad once you finish the training. They take very good care of us here. We’re valuable to Kalidasa.”

  Sandhya joined us, carrying a tray with a pitcher and two goblets. If the content of this evening’s lesson made her uncomfortable she didn’t show it. In fact, she acted rather bored. “When you have retired with your lover to the bedchamber, you will offer him refreshment in the form of wine and blood. Once you and your lover have partaken you will await his instructions.”

  Marco poured out two goblets and offered one to me. The mixture tasted of something else that I couldn’t identify, herbal and slightly bitter.

  Sandhya noted my grimace. “The herb you taste is to relax you and bring clarity of vision. I trust you won’t make such an ugly face during the ceremony. One small drop of the tincture is all that is required. You will add it to the drink yourself…but be careful…too much is dangerous.”

  Marco gave me a smile as he took my cup and replaced it on the tray. He tossed his dark hair back and fussed with his choga, reminding me of one of Kalidasa’s peacocks preening.

  Sandhya frowned at his vanity. “We will begin with preparation. Marco will demonstrate.” Marco took position before me and closed his eyes. My guru went on, “Stand straight and take in a deep breath all the way to the genitals. Relax the muscles, the neck first and midsection next and then down into the legs and feet, through the arms and fingers. Visualize the warmth of the blood you have ingested as it flows through the veins, awakening the Mūlādhāra, the seat of spiritual power at the base of the spine. Feel Kundalini Sakti’s power uncoiling like a serpent through your body. Begin the mantra.” Marco hummed from deep in his chest. “From the palate, to the throat, down into the lungs and abdomen and into the base of the spine, to the genitals and back up the spine to the head. Now let the breath out, but draw the energy back in with this mantra.”

  Marco made a sound. “Ghaaa!”

  Sandhya moved to me and placed her hands on the small of my back and my chest to correct my posture. So much for remaining relaxed. Her touch was more than I could bear in my up until then celibate state. She smacked the back of my head. “Stand up straight and pay attention! Someone with your height should stand as regal as a god, not slouch like a camel.” I snapped to attention and stood as tall as possible. In some respects it was involuntary. I had a raging stiffy. She glared up at me. “Now, you do as Marco does.”

  I closed my eyes and took in a breath as deep as I possibly could, but not all the way down to the bollocks. Either she was ignorant of physiology, or it was a metaphor. I decided on the latter, but the blood and wine rushed hot through every part of my body. A sense of relaxation came over me. Sandhya talked me through the preparation. It left me lightheaded and kind of giddy. Colors around me glowed brighter. The herbs, I supposed, but it felt very nice. “Wow…”

  “Now, Marco will perform the disrobing ritual. Some prefer the adept to undress on his or her own. Others prefer to unveil the work of art with their own hands. We will assume the former.”

  Marco glided toward me with a secretive smile. His eyes locked on mine as he slipped his choga off his shoulders. Blue silk puddled to the floor. The adept’s torso gleamed like polished brass in the lamplight, paler than the other adepts, but not as pale as me. His body also tended a bit more to the muscular than mine, but was still graceful.

  Sandhya gestured toward the robe. “All clothing will remain where it falls until one is dismissed.”

  Marco’s hand loosened the string of his pajama. He stood unabashed and erect. Next he slipped off his headband and shook out his hair with a sensuous sway of his neck. Pheromone filled the room. The scent made my newfound concentration difficult.

  Sandhya gestured toward Marco. “Shaking the head distributes your scent into the air. Now Cedric, you will do as shown. Remember to smile and make eye contact with Marco.”

  I took a deep breath. Meeting Marco’s gaze, I tried to imitate his enigmatic smile.

  Sandhya folded her arms over her breasts and clucked her tongue. “A smile that evokes mystery—not a foolish grin. Relax your face.”

  I attempted to smile as she said. Marco bit his bottom lip, as I teased the choga over my shoulders and arms. Fabric slithered to the floor. The move had always worked with Raj, and I thought it wouldn’t hurt to contribute my signature style to the art.

  Sandhya rolled her eyes. “This isn’t a vulgar striptease, but a religious rite. Just let it fall.”

  Keeping my eyes focused on Marco’s, I jerked the string holding up my trousers and revealed all my glory. Marco looked down. His mouth dropped open. “Santa Maria…”

  “Marco!”

  “Christ, look at him.”

  “I can always have Avijit assist me.” Sandhya turned to me. “There are signals you must watch for. They are not the same for all you will entertain. You must be astute enough to read your lovers’ desires. Some will be very clear and voice their wants. Others are subtler. You must use delicacy in your approach. The adept is never an aggressor. You must seek permission to touch. Marco, show him.”

  Marco inclined his head. A fall of dark hair shaded the side of his face.

  “Lower your eyes for a moment, and extend your hand like so,” she instructed.

  Marco’s hand reached out, the fingers relaxed and curved as if to beckon. The line of his neck and arm recalled classical sculpture. He raised his head and looked at me with eyes as empty as one of those statues.

  “Why do his eyes look that way?”

  “Although the act is physical, one’s concentration is on the spiritual. The adept’s body is merely an instrument of Shakti. Now you do it.”

  I practiced this move several times with Marco, until it became muscle memory. After the dancing this type of thing came easier, but for once I felt self-conscious about my nudity. Funny, but with all the tricks I’d turned, I’d seldom been naked. A lot of times, I’d been completely clothed. Now my body wasn’t just naked, but a spectacle, like some kind of sacrificial animal on display before the bloodletting. This vulnerability terrified me, as if I’d been flayed and my very soul on view.

  Sandhya walked a circle around us, adjusting my arm and the angle of my chin. “Tonight Marco will teach you methods of foreplay and Auparishtaka. Fellatio. Remember, whatever he does to you, you cannot succumb to pleasure. During the act, Shakti flows through you. This power is greatest in the moments before orgasm. The longer you can prolong this state, the greater blessings you attain. You may climax only if your lover gives you leave, but during training you are completely forbidden. The adept’s restraint is legendary and a great testament to his or her skill. Most importantly you gain power over your impulses and achieve greater spiritual awareness. This is not without cost. Even an Immortyl body suffers from such rigorous training. For some the pain of denial is unbearable. Few have the fortitude and stamina to learn this discipline.”

  Marco invoked the Mother’s blessing. He took me by the hand and led me next to the bed. Light hands ran down over my shoulders and abdomen. His mouth nuzzled along my throat and chest and then took small bites all over. Sensation awakened. My skin tingled and throbbed. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to shut out the warmth of that wet orifice and the tickle of silky hair trailing in its wake. I dared not open my eyes and look on Sandhya’s juicy body, or I’d be finished. A moan escaped me.

  “Concentrate,” Sandhya reminded me. “Focus your energy. Visualize the Mother’s terrible power. Deep breaths now, deep breaths.”

  I gritted my teeth. “This is torture.”

  “You don’t know the meaning of the word. Repeat the mantra. Marco, continue.”

  Ma
rco went down on me and proceeded to do wicked things with lips and tongue, employing palms and fingers for good measure. Visions of Kali dismembering demons filled my head. Didn’t help. I then recalled every distasteful sight I’d ever seen, even boring cricket matches from school, anything to take my mind off what was happening below my navel. Taking a deep breath, I chanted.

  It didn’t help either. I opened my eyes. “Can’t we stop for a bit?”

  Sandhya stood there as ruthless as our patron Goddess, not moving a muscle as she observed this boy-on-boy action. “The idea is to absorb the seminal fluid up through the spine to the brain. Keep trying.”

  Biologically impossible, but I humored her, chanting louder and calling up images the chief elder to dampen my desire. Just when I thought I couldn’t hold off any longer, she made Marco pull back. I caught my breath. Marco wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. I wished I could go out for a smoke. Sandhya had confiscated the last packet of fags in my luggage and forbidden them, saying they made me smell bad.

  “Limber your muscles,” she suggested. Sandhya held her hands on her hips and tapped her foot, as I went through a routine of Hatha postures to stretch out and took a series of cleansing breaths. Then she motioned to Marco. “Again.”

  This went on for an hour, with her stopping him and making me do exercises between. Then we switched places a while. My body calmed a bit with concentration on the task. Then we switched back for him to teach me new techniques. My jaws ached by the time she finally called a halt.

  Sandhya placed a hand on my shoulder and said in a soft voice, “We will move on tomorrow night. Go and rest now.”

  I picked up my clothes from the floor and dressed. I hurt all over. My knees would have formed calluses had I been mortal. Marco looked as miserable as I felt. He pulled on his clothes and left. She hadn’t allowed him relief either. I shuffled back to my room and curled up on my uncomfortable bed. If I wasn’t so exhausted I might have done something about it.

  The next evening, Marco and I sat on the bed together. The candles flickering around the room played off his skin. The citrus essence he’d used to perfume the sheets also scented his body. His hand crept over mine, the fingers closing around it. I thought of the times my friend Ricky and I had given command performances. I’d never minded it with him. In fact, both of us enjoyed it more than either would admit later. Only this time, I’d be expected to hold back.

  Sandhya came into the room with the tray of blood and wine. We took the drink and prepared. Again, when the liquids coursed through my veins, the colors in the room blazed and my senses sharpened. Sandhya took a vantage point at the foot of the bed. The serpent inside uncoiled, but maybe not in the way she intended.

  “The male adept assumes the female role in intercourse. Aside from the difference of orifice involved, the art is similar. You will learn many different postures and the accompanying mantras. It is important to not only strive to achieve ananda, a higher state of awareness and bliss, but to do so in a manner that is visually pleasing to your lover. Marco will demonstrate some basic postures.”

  Marco showed me ways to arrange myself in an artistic fashion on the bed, depending on the lover’s favored position. I did as he showed me, adding my own signature swagger, finding his style a bit too passive.

  Sandhya clucked her tongue. “Cedric, you are too aggressive…with grace please. Again… That’s better.” She motioned to Marco. “Begin.”

  Marco took a small flask from his adept’s chest on the bedside table. He tipped it and poured out into his hand the same oil we used for massage. I inhaled a breath down into my belly and willed muscles to relax. Sandhya directed us like some auteur creating an elegant, erotic film. Marco drove the lesson home, somewhat less passive. I couldn’t help adding vocal enthusiasm to the proceedings. Sandhya exhorted me to direct my mind elsewhere, but he took me to the brink of madness. Even the thought of Kalidasa couldn’t push the irresistible rhythm from my body.

  But just as I was ready to pop, she stopped him, which he did, just like that, leaving me panting in frustration. Marco was clearly as frustrated, struggling to control his breathing.

  She looked both of us over and shook her head. “Boys. Cleanse yourselves.” She waved her hand at Marco. “Go on, show him.”

  This consisted of splashing all over the body with ice-cold water with particular attention on the genitals. Needless to say, it cooled both of us down. We went through the breathing exercises again and then resumed the lesson. This time, I did my best to ignore what was going on inside me. I chanted and breathed and squeezed pressure points on my body that Marco said slowed the progression toward orgasm.

  What happened then surprised me. Colors intensified, greater than after ingesting the blood cocktail. Somewhere in the ashram, music played, a flute maybe, airy and delicate as a songbird. Sandhya stood before me, glowing from inside. The breeze of the fan lifted her hair. Her lips never looked moister or more inviting. Ebony eyes held me spellbound. An aura wavered around her voluptuous figure, dancing in time to the far-off music. The pulse on her neck called to me. Golden breasts lowered and fell with her breath. Her perfume curled through my olfactory system and down all the way to my loins.

  The music grew louder. A throbbing drumbeat started up. Sandhya’s dark eyes drew me inward. Now I imagined myself on top with Sandhya beneath. Marco’s thrusts were mine, plunging deeper and deeper into her sweetness. A sudden pain knifed my guts, like something within me had broken. The room rippled and then melted like brilliant-colored taffy, into swirls of goo that dripped onto the floor.

  “Fuck!” The liquid sprayed from me. Waves of bliss radiated throughout my entire body. I shuddered. My back arched like a cat’s. Marco moaned, and that was it for him.

  Sandhya wore a somewhat less glowing expression than in my fantasy. “Marco, deal with this situation. I expect better from you tomorrow night, Cedric.” She tossed her head and turned on her heel.

  I pulled myself from the bed and stretched. Marco stripped the sheets off.

  I gave him a sheepish grin. “I’m sorry. I really tried.”

  He chuckled. “You held out longer than I did the first time. You’ll learn. Come on, you get another bath.”

  Marco led me out to the courtyard to a tap and filled the vessels with icy water.

  “Don’t let Sandhya get to you. Most of those you’ll entertain aren’t so fussy about the ceremonies. They want to relax a little and get off.”

  “Sandhya can be a right bitch…but God…she does things to me.”

  “Or you wish she did, you mean.” He laughed and threw cold water on me. “You do need this—to bring you to your senses if nothing else. She’s not for you paesan.”

  In spite of the heat in the garden, I recoiled when the water hit me. “Christ, that’s awful. I can’t wait to have a proper shower again.”

  Marco shook out his hair like a dog. Drops of water sprayed over me. A playful smile came over his lips. “Once you take your vows, you get all the hot water you want…and rubdowns from girls from the harem.” He slipped on his trousers. “Just wait, caro mio, once you’re free of la princepessa, you can have all the fun you want. It’s not a bad thing to be a celebrity. You think Avijit and I live like monks? Don’t be fooled by his pious act in front of Sandhya. He’s been my lover for years.” He gave my bum a departing pat. “Ciao.” He sauntered off toward the quarters he shared with Avijit, warbling a tune, blue silk robes floating behind.

  “Hey, wait up.”

  He turned to me with that toothy grin.

  “Can you smuggle me in for a hot shower?”

  He looked around for Sandhya. “Sure. Avijit will be with Kalidasa for hours yet.” He chuckled. “You could do with more than a bath, I think.”

  I pulled on my rumpled cotton choga. “Yeah, but no such luck.”

  “We’ll see what can be arranged.”

  Marco led me across the garden to the suite of rooms he and Avijit shared. Between their bedrooms la
y a modern bathroom with a deep tub and roomy shower all made of the same marble as the palace. Massage tables sat in the center, covered in crisp sheets and piled with fluffy towels. Marco started water running into the tub. He pulled on a silk rope hanging from the ceiling. “Go on, strip down.”

  Moments later, two girls entered with baskets over their arms. They looked at one another and giggled behind their hands when Marco pushed me forward. “Mirabel, Lakshmi—Shardul.” Then he said something I didn’t understand. The women tittered again. Marco slipped into the tub and indicated for me to do the same. The two girls undressed and joined us. One latched onto Marco. The other went to work washing me down the front.

  I grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to me. “Which one are you?”

  She just smiled, not understanding. Her thighs straddled me. My hands overflowed with her breasts. Perfect. After Sandhya’s nagging I needed a break from talk. Maybe Raj wasn’t so wrong in his attitude about women with opinions. I sunk down into the water and let the girl do all the work. Marco was right. It was great to be a celebrity. If I had to bend for Kalidasa’s friends, why not take advantage of what I could? God knows I suffered enough for my art.

  The monsoons came. Unending sheets of rain fell on the jungle, not that it mattered, mostly my training kept me indoors. Every night, I assisted in the rituals and did my exercises like a good lad. Marco worked with me, or I should say on me, until I was finally able to will my body to control the climb to orgasm, and comport myself with the utmost grace and elegance as I did so. It rained for weeks. Inside of the ashram life continued in its predictable pattern, but to my surprise it started to feel like home. I’d never had one since I was a little kid. My friendship with Marco deepened. For once I experienced a sense of belonging to something outside of myself.

  The monsoons ended. I’d gotten used to the soporific patter on the roof. My training continued into the autumn months. The temperature and humidity lessened to pleasant levels. I worked hard, taking pride in my musicianship and artistry. Not everyone could be an adept. The calling would provide opportunities as a performer I’d never had. Even though I thought the religious part complete rot, the things I learned about sex were interesting and would be put to good use once I was back with Raj. I missed him something awful. Lying on the cot before sleep came, I’d imagine his arms around me. My master’s lips would graze my ear and call me his Beauty. They’d travel down to my throat to drink my essence. How much longer would I have to wait until we’d celebrate our bond again?